Penalty Kick
by Crazy Packers Fan
Summary: Ryoko Asakura returns, and she leads the SOS Brigade and their friends to the Beijing Olympics. After a misunderstanding, the SOS Brigade finds themselves playing in the soccer tournament. Can they win enough to satisfy Haruhi, and why is Ryoko back?
1. The Return of Ryoko

Chapter 1

The Return of Ryoko

I thought that this summer would finally give me a break from the bizarre occurrences at the SOS Brigade. Of course, as it always seems to be since I met Haruhi, I was wrong, as Haruhi had called a special meeting of the SOS Brigade, right in the middle of July. I thought she was kidding when she told us all to meet in the same classroom we always met at during the school year. Surely the school would have it locked up, right? But no, I was able to walk right into the school without any trouble, as I headed to the club room.

"Kyon, you're late! Penalty!" Haruhi yelled as I entered the room.

I couldn't care less about a penalty right now. I wanted to know why _she_ was there – _she_ being Ryoko Asakura, the class president who had tried to kill me. Didn't Nagato delete her or something? Then why is she standing right next to Haruhi?

"Kyon, Asakura's returned from her time in Canada, and she wants to take the SOS Brigade on a trip!" Haruhi announced.

A trip? Where, to some place where she can attempt to kill me again?

"Uh, okay," I responded. "Where exactly are we going, Miss Asakura?"

"We're going to the Olympics in China!" the sweet Ryoko exclaimed.

The Olympics? Is she serious? Does this girl have any idea how much it costs to go to China, period?

"The Agency will be funding our trip, right, Koizumi?" Ryoko stated.

"Right, Miss Asakura," the smiling Itsuki Koizumi replied.

Okay, so it's just a vacation. As long as I keep on watch at all times, and perhaps have Nagato around me, I should be safe from Asakura's attacks, and maybe things will be okay.

"All right, I guess so," I said. "So when are we going? The Olympics don't start until-"

"Our plane leaves tomorrow," Ryoko replied. "Please meet us at the airport by noon."

Tomorrow? This has to be some sort of trap! The Olympics don't start for a few weeks! What is wrong with this girl?

"You better be on time, Kyon!" Haruhi shouted at me.

"All right," I sighed, shrugging my shoulders.

"You may bring your sister along, if she wants to come," the voice of the beautiful Mikuru Asahina told me.

I don't want to put my sister in harm's way, but if Miss Asahina says it's okay, I'm sure she'll be fine. Besides, not even Asakura could bear to attack my sister.

"Okay, I will," I responded.

I walked out of that club room perhaps more confused than I've ever been any other time before. Asakura's back, and the rest of the SOS Brigade just accepts her? Plus she's taking us to the Olympics? This is even more befuddling than that "closed space" stuff Koizumi's always going on about.

* * *

So the next morning, I was there at the airport with my sister, meeting up with Yuki Nagato, apparently the first one to get there. I was just about to ask her about Asakura, when Miss Asahina showed up with Tsuruya-san and that strange Emiri Kimidori girl who we helped some time ago.

"Hi, Kyon!" Tsuruya greeted me. "This is going to be megas fun, nyoro? We're going to the Olympics! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Tsuruya continued laughing while Koizumi showed up with Taniguchi and Kunikida. Just what I need, those two along to get a laugh every time Haruhi puts me in an embarrassing situation.

"So, Kyon, I hear that AA+ girl is coming," Taniguchi told me. "I'm glad she returned from her trip to Canada."

Count yourself as the only one, buddy.

"We're here!" Haruhi screamed, walking into the airport with Asakura. Of course, she would have to make a big deal about it, but why is she so buddy-buddy with Asakura now?

"Seems like we've got a whole big party here," Koizumi remarked.

"Hey, big brother, can I hang out with Haruhi?" my sister asked.

"Uh, not right now," I replied nervously, seeing Asakura right at Haruhi's side.

It only figures that my sister would want to walk right into danger… this is going to be harder than I thought.

"Okay, everyone, Mikuru will be passing out the plane tickets to everyone," Haruhi announced. "And you've got to take the seat you've given – no trading tickets!"

Wait a minute, she already has the tickets purchased? How did she figure we'd get 11 people? Maybe she just bought a whole bunch and there will be a bunch extra.

"Here's yours, and here's yours…" I could hear Mikuru saying to Taniguchi and Kunikida, giving them their tickets.

Mikuru went around handing out tickets to everyone, finally coming up to my sister and me.

"And you get the last ticket, Kyon," the lovely Mikuru told me.

Somehow, whoever purchased these plane tickets bought exactly eleven of them, and we ended up with eleven people. Okay, so maybe they guessed right, it's just a small coincidence…

"Hey, Kyon!" my sister shouted. "I've got ticket number 8! What's your ticket number?"

"4," I sighed. This means that I won't be sitting next to my sister, which could be good, and it could be bad.

"Come on, let's go to the gate!" Haruhi called, leading our pack of misfits farther into the airport.

Something just doesn't make sense about this… everything's coming out just perfectly… and if I know Koizumi well, he's about to sneak up to me and tell me-

"Haruhi's planned this all," the ever-present Koizumi whispered in my ear.

"How do you know?" I asked him.

"Think about it – exactly 11 tickets, Miss Asakura reappearing after a long absence, Miss Kimidori returning as well… it's no coincidence," he replied.

At least if everything else is unpredictable, Koizumi's rants about Haruhi are always the same.

"Yeah, well, just keep an eye on Miss Asakura for me," I told him.

"Why's that?" Koizumi asked with that ever-annoying smile.

"I just have a bad feeling about her presence," I replied.

"Oh, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about," Koizumi stated.

Easy for you to say, as she didn't try to kill you!

* * *

I boarded the plane, following the rest of our party members. I walked to seat 4, which was next to seat 3, containing none other than Miss Asakura.

"Hello again," Asakura told me sweetly.

"Uh, hi," I replied nervously, sitting down next to her.

Good thing this is a seat on the aisle!

"I'll let you sit by the window if you want," Asakura suggested.

"Uh, no, I think I feel just fine right here, Miss Asakura," I responded.

"Oh, please, just call me Ryoko," Asakura said with a smile.

What is she getting so friendly for? Is this another trap of hers?

"Okay, Ryoko," I answered her.

This is going to be the longest plane trip of my life – both literally and figuratively. Well, at least I hope it is, because otherwise that would mean… oh, I don't want to think about it.

"So, Kyon, how have you been since I left?" Ryoko asked.

A lot better, that's for sure, when I don't have my life being endangered by a craven class president.

"Everything's been, uh, interesting," I responded.

That's about as truthful of a response as I could possibly give.

"Really? I wish I'd been there with you all this time," she replied, putting her left hand on my leg.

Okay, this has _got_ to be a trap. First Asakura appears out of nowhere, then she's sitting next to me on a plane, and now she's making advances on me? There has to be a way out of this…

"Um, Ryoko, I really hate to tell you this, but I'm sort of, uh, with Miss Asahina," I told her.

I may really regret that lie…

"Oh, I'm sorry," Ryoko replied, pulling her hand away quickly. "I really don't want to get in the way."

Is she really being nice, or did I greatly anger her, and give her more reason to kill me? Whatever the reason, I can't wait to get away from her…

* * *

As it turned out, the plane ride ended with few problems, as Miss Asakura allowed me to sleep for most of the ride. We got off the plane and were immediately greeted by some important-looking people in suits.

"Are you from the Japanese Olympic soccer team?" one of the men asked me.

"Uh, no, we just are tourists," I replied.

"Don't lie to us! That plane was to hold the members of our national soccer team!" another man shouted. "You have to be the team!"

Is this guy crazy or something? We sure aren't any soccer players, we don't even look like a team.

"Hey, Kyon, let me handle this," Haruhi told me, pressing her way to the front of our group.

If Haruhi's handling things, we are only doomed for more trouble.

"Yes, sir, we are the Japanese soccer team, and we're going to win a gold medal for our country!" Haruhi exclaimed.

"But this is supposed to be the men's team…" the first man replied.

"Are you trying to be sexist? Are you trying to say that we girls can't do things that men can? I can't believe you'd say something like that!" Haruhi shouted.

"Oh, no, no, not at all," the first man responded. "We were just surprised that they'd allow women on the men's team."

"Come with us," the second man said. "We'll show you to the Olympic Village, where you'll be staying, as well as the practice fields."

Are these guys nuts? They actually believe Haruhi! This is even more improbable than most things she pulls off!

"Well, follow me," the first man told us.

So we followed the men to a bus, which we boarded. And unbelievably, we were being taken to the Olympic Village.

"Isn't this great, Kyon?" Haruhi asked me. "We're going to be playing in the Olympics!"

Yeah, it's going to be great when we're discovered as frauds and get arrested for trying to cheat real athletes out of their Olympic dream.

"Uh, sure," I answered her. "But we aren't soccer players… we're not going to play very well."

"Why, that's what the practice fields are for!" Haruhi exclaimed. "We'll put a whole lot of hard work into our training, and in a few weeks we'll be ready to win the gold medal!"

I wonder if they give out a medal for last-place teams that fail to score a single goal in the Olympics, because that's what we'll be winning, even if we train 24/7.

* * *

So we unpacked all our stuff in our new temporary homes in the Olympic Village. At least Haruhi let me stay with my sister, instead of forcing me to room with the insufferable Koizumi and all his rants. But only an hour after we had settled in, Haruhi demanded that we begin practicing right away. She had one of the officials drive us to the practice field.

"Okay, everyone, listen up!" Haruhi announced. "I'm the coach of this team, so you'll all be following my lead! Everyone grab a soccer ball and start practicing!"

"Um, may I ask what we're supposed to practice?" I questioned our new coach.

"Everything! Don't play stupid, Kyon!" Haruhi replied. "Offense, defense, making saves, you name it!"

Well, it's safe to say that Haruhi won't be up for any Coach of the Year awards any time soon. In a matter of minutes, the field was full of chaos, as the SOS Brigade and its newfound friends were kicking balls all over the place. I was attempting to practice controlling the ball with my feet, when Ryoko came up to me.

"Kyon, why don't we have some one-on-one practice?" Ryoko asked me. "You play goalie and I'll shoot penalty kicks."

"Um, okay," I responded, not even thinking of the possibilities. Ryoko, shooting at me? This could be trouble. Maybe the balls she's going to kick at me are actually bombs.

"Here goes!" Ryoko called, from the penalty mark.

She kicked the ball perfectly, right into the top-left corner of the net, while I dived in vain trying to stop it. She then giggled at my poor attempt at a save.

"Oh, I'm sorry, you probably didn't know how good I was," Ryoko told me.

Yeah, I didn't think she had skills outside of her incredible murdering abilities. I'm surprised she didn't just kick the ball right at my head in an attempt to injure me.

"Here comes another one!" she called.

This one she kicked straight on the ground, and in my clumsiness I let it go right through the five-hole for a goal. She put her hand over her mouth, giggling again.

"I guess I'm not very good at this," I sighed.

"You'll get better with practice," she told me.

Well, it's possible that if she kicks one hundred penalty kicks at me, I may stop one, and that would improve my save percentage to 1%, so I guess she's right that I'll get better with practice.

"Hey, Kyon! What's going on over there?" Haruhi screamed at me.

"We're practicing penalty kicks," I shouted back to the angry Haruhi.

"I can see _that,_" Haruhi responded with annoyance. "But you're stinking it up over there! Come on, an Olympic goalie can't allow goals like that!"

Maybe that's because I'm _not_ an Olympic goalie, just a high school student who's on a bizarre vacation.

"You'd better start making saves, or I'll bench you!" Haruhi yelled.

While I counted the ways that Haruhi's latest statement didn't make any sense, considering we have only 11 players, and that this is only a practice, Ryoko shot another penalty kick at me. This time, I was able to dive to the right and barely stop it from going in.

"Nice save," Ryoko called to me.

Save. That's an appropriate word for this situation. As in, someone save me!


	2. Cheaters Never Win

Chapter 2

Cheaters Never Win

The next day, the Japanese Olympic officials served us to a huge feast, in celebration of our Olympic qualification. Even though we hadn't actually qualified for the Olympics, but I guess that's beside the point. There we all were, eating this huge meal, as supposed Olympians.

"This smoked cheese is megas good, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked me.

"Uh, I guess so," I replied, still keeping an eye out for Asakura, who was sitting to my left. Why did we have to be served steak? Now she has the knife she needs!

"Want some of my steak?" Asakura asked me.

"No thanks," I answered her. Like I'm going to put my life at risk by eating food touched by her!

"Listen up, everyone!" Haruhi shouted from the head of the table.

You don't need to tell us to listen if you're going to yell like that, Haruhi.

"The SOS Brigade and its ambassadors have one goal: to win the gold medal!" she announced. "Anything else will be a failure! That's why we're going to practice long and hard until we are sure that we'll wipe out every opponent!"

Well, there goes any chance of her being satisfied with us merely touching the ball at some point during the tournament. Does she really understand what the Olympics are all about?

"Excuse me," an official interrupted Haruhi. "Are you the coach of this team?"

"Yes I am," Haruhi replied, "and you'd better watch out because-"

"We seem to have a problem," the official continued. "It seems that we have contacted the actual Japanese soccer team, and they will be on their way to China to replace you impostors."

Finally, a man with some common sense, who realizes that the Japanese men's soccer team wouldn't include high-school girls.

"We're not giving up!" Haruhi screamed. "I challenge that team to a match! If we beat them, we deserve to play in the Olympics, not them!"

Oh, Haruhi, don't kid yourself. You actually think we could beat them?

"I'll have to talk this over with my colleagues," the official replied.

"Fine," Haruhi said. "We're going to beat that team and claim our spot as the real Olympians, right, Koizumi?"

Koizumi, in his usual annoying way, just shrugged his shoulders in response.

"So does this mean we're not going to play in the Olympics?" my sister asked me.

"I don't think we-" I started to say, before looking over at Haruhi. She had that angry look on her face, the one that I feared. For some reason I knew she was ready to rebut my response, so I quickly thought of a new answer.

"We'll see what the men say," I said, with Haruhi's face becoming a little less upset. At least I avoided her wrath, if momentarily.

That was when the Japanese Olympic officials came over to Haruhi.

"It has been decided that your team will play against the national team in a match three days from now," an official told her. "The result of that match will determine which team we select as our Olympic team."

"All right!" Haruhi responded. "We'll win this game for sure, right, Kyon?"

I simply sighed.

* * *

After a couple days of so-called practice under the direction of our fearless leader, Coach Suzumiya, we arrived at the practice field to the sound of boos. It appeared that not only the actual Japanese soccer team was there, but there were also a large number of fans, maybe 1,000, who were quite disappointed with the fact that we impostors were trying to steal away their Olympic dream.

"Big brother Kyon, why are they all mad at us?" my sister asked me.

"Soccer fans can be quite passionate for their favorite team," I explained in the only way I knew possible.

As Haruhi led us to our sideline, I began to think of all the embarrassing and/or bad moments that she had put me through. This would have to rank… oh, probably number two, right behind the time where I was forced to kiss her in order to save our universe.

"Okay, everyone, listen up!" Haruhi bellowed. "I will take care of the offense for our team. The rest of you stay back and play defense. And Kyon, you're our goalie, and you better not allow even one goal past you!"

It only figures. Haruhi comes up with a 1-10 formation for our team, which is the first time in the history of soccer that a team has gone with such a setup, and puts the one she loves to blame in the position that takes the most blame.

So we took the field, with our team wearing our normal clothes, and the real team wearing actual soccer uniforms. This might be the most lopsided game in the history of soccer.

But just as I had taken my place in front of our team's giant-sized net (at least from the way it looked to me), Miss Asakura walked over towards me. I braced myself for whatever attack she was preparing, but she simply whispered something in my ear.

"I'll take care of everything," were the words she gave me.

And with that, the game began, with the real soccer players advancing the ball quickly against our crack crew of impostors. In only a matter of seconds one of them had control of the ball and a clear attempt at a shot on goal, but all of a sudden, Asakura rushed in and stole the ball away from him. She then kicked it as hard as she could, and the ball made it all the way across the field, going out of bounds across the opposing team's goal line.

I couldn't help but think that if Asakura wanted to "take care of everything," like she promised, she would have kicked that one right into the opposing team's net. But then again, if she started cheating like Nagato did in our little baseball tournament, it would become plain and obvious to everyone in the stadium, and we'd get tested for steroids immediately.

After that, the Olympic team gained control of the ball and brought it back towards our end. I knew that once they advanced past nearly every member of our so-called defense, they would easily find a way to put the ball in the net, and I would have no way of stopping it. But instead, their strikers were unable to score. Their shots either barely missed the net or bounced off the goal posts. I was in no position to stop any of them, but yet I kept on getting extremely lucky, as shot after shot missed.

Then I saw Koizumi having a conversation with Taniguchi and Kanikida.

"What the heck are you doing, Koizumi?" I screamed, watching the ever-grating Koizumi talking with them about something useless.

Koizumi simply smiled and waved to me. I was ready to run out there and punch the agitator, but I had the job of masquerading as a goalkeeper. However, it seemed that the Olympic team had no intention of scoring, as they continued to push their kicks left, right or over the goal. And this went on for 45 minutes!

We headed to the sideline at the half, with the score still unbelievably tied at 0-0. Haruhi began giving Miss Asahina and Nagato a lecture on why our offense needed to get going, and while she did, I stepped right up to Koizumi to ask him what he was thinking by having his little conversation during the game.

"Don't you see?" he replied. "Miss Asakura is doing our job for us."

"What job?" I demanded. "She's only one of ten of you who's supposed to be playing on defense."

Koizumi was about to reply, but Haruhi marched right over to me to tell me something.

"Kyon, you're going to have to do without some of your defense!" she exclaimed. "Mikuru, Yuki and your sister are all joining me on an all-out aggressive attack on the opposing goal! I tried being nice to you in the first half and giving you some defensive help, but no more! You better keep the other team off the board!"

"I'll try my best," I responded.

Meanwhile I couldn't help but notice that the fans who had come to watch the actual Olympic team were getting restless, and the coach of the team was screaming at his players. Hey, buddy, you've still got 45 minutes for us to screw things up, as no doubt we will.

We trotted out onto the field for the second half, and Asakura gave me a sweet smile. I don't know if that's body language for "I'm going to kill you after the game," but whatever it is, I don't trust her.

And then I did my job again, pretending to be our team's goalie, while the opposing team missed and missed, in unbelievable fashion. The fans began booing louder and louder with each missed shot attempt. It was becoming surreal.

We gained our own scoring chance about 20 minutes into the second half, when a lucky bounce sent the ball to Haruhi. She charged toward the goal, then at the last second passed it to Nagato. Nagato, of course, stood there like a statue and allowed the ball to bounce off her knee, and it rolled to Miss Asahina. And just when I thought that she would be our hero, her shot attempt bounced off the right goal post and away from the goal, causing a fierce overreaction from Haruhi.

"Mikuru! That was an easy one! How could you not score there?" she screamed.

"I-I'm sorry," poor Asahina replied.

We did not get another scoring attempt for the rest of the second half. Instead I watched as shot after shot by the Olympic team whizzed by the net or bounced off one of the goal posts, causing loud groans and boos from the crowd. This went on for the rest of the half, until the referee blew his whistle and called for play to come to a halt.

"The game will now go to extra time," the referee announced.

The crowd let off a very loud barrage of boos, as the Olympic team walked off the field in shame. And somehow, there we were, still having not allowed a goal, even though I had not yet made a save.

The extra time was two 15-minute periods, but honestly I didn't understand why we even needed that much time. Even if somehow these Olympians had managed to beat the odds and fail to score for 90 minutes, scoring in the next 30 minutes shouldn't be that much of a chore.

But the extra time was just like regulation. Somehow, beyond any reasonable explanation, the Olympic team continued to fail to put the ball in the net, while I watched in a state of utter shock. I had seen enough crazy things occur since I met Haruhi to know that this had to be the doing of someone on our team, but if we were cheating, why weren't we scoring?

Both extra time periods went by without incident, or a goal being scored. The referee then announced that we would be headed for penalty kicks, and we would be having a coin toss in order to decide which team would kick first. Naturally, with Haruhi calling the toss, she won it.

"I don't know what would be better, to kick first or second," she told the referee. "Let me have that coin."

So in one of the most incomprehensible moments in the history of this world, Haruhi was tossing a coin to choose what she should do with the win of her previous coin toss.

"Heads," she said, seeing the second toss's result. "Okay, we'll kick second."

She then headed over to the rest of us on the sideline, ready to set the lineup. I made a quick mental prediction of who she'd have kick in the five-person shootout, and in what order, then listened to her tell us her choices. It'll be Haruhi, Koizumi, Nagato, Miss Asahina… then probably Tsuruya. Let's see.

"I'll kick first in the shootout," she announced.

Got that one right.

"Koizumi, you'll go second," she said.

Right again.

"Yuki, you'll be third," she added.

Yet again right.

"Mikuru, you'll kick after Yuki," she said.

This is too easy.

"And for our final kicker, I'll choose…" she began.

All I need is for her to pick Tsuruya and I'll have a perfect set of picks.

"Ryoko!" Haruhi exclaimed. "You'll be the final kicker for our team in the shootout!"

"Okay," Asakura responded.

Well, maybe I don't know everything about Haruhi, but four out of five isn't bad.

"And Kyon, if you allow a goal, you'll be kicked off the team forever!" Haruhi screamed at me.

That's a relief, because this team won't exist anymore after I allow a goal or more and send us packing.

"You won't allow a goal," Asakura whispered in my ear.

I better keep on my toes more often, because she just managed to sneak up to me without my noticing. Still, what does she mean by that?

"I've programmed the ball to not go in any net," she added.

So that's what happened! Asakura has been cheating for us this whole time, and that's why neither of our teams has scored a goal yet. But what good does it do us if no one scores? A bizarre way of cheating, if you ask me.

It was time for the shootout, and I made my way to my place in goal. I decided to test Asakura's theory as the first shooter was about to shoot, by simply yawning and standing still.

The kicker's shot went well off the mark, going incredibly wide right of the net. The crowd exploded into boos, and I really can't blame them. After all, it's not fair to sit at a game for multiple hours without knowing that the result is fixed by a cheating player.

Haruhi set up for her attempt, and she missed off the crossbar. It was no surprise to me, but she stomped off the field in a fury, as if somehow it was someone else's fault. And come to think of it, it is.

The second shooter for the Olympic team kicked the ball towards the net, but it bounced off the left post for another miss. Then there was Koizumi, simply tapping the ball with his foot, and it rolled about nine inches. He then shrugged his shoulders and walked off the field. You idiot, don't make it obvious that we're cheating.

Come to think of it, do I really want to play in the Olympics, if the Olympic officials are somehow delusionary and make us their team? We'll end up having to cheat our way to gold just to make Haruhi happy, and that's not something I feel all too good about.

Meanwhile, shooter after shooter missed, until the fifth shooter for the Olympic team. He put his shot on the ground, slowly rolling it towards the right side of the goal. It was easily stoppable for me, but I decided to allow it to keep on rolling. We didn't deserve to win if we were going to cheat.

But the ball started slowing down more and more, until it finally came to a stop, just millimeters from crossing the goal line. The referee waved it off, and the crowd erupted into more boos. And I simply sighed.

Out came our unsung hero, Ryoko Asakura, who smiled at me right before walking towards the ball. And I knew, with that smile, this ball was going in the net.

Sure enough, she kicked the ball, and it sailed perfectly into the upper-right-hand corner of the net. Haruhi led the charge of my teammates onto the field in celebration. They all mugged Asakura, while I watched from afar, still standing between the pipes.

"SOS! SOS! SOS!" Haruhi got the team to begin chanting.

The fans, meanwhile, joined in with the chant… "SOS! SOS! SOS!"

The Japanese Olympic soccer officials, who must have watched the match in total shock, began discussing something with the actual national team, then one of them walked out towards the middle of the field.

"The winning team – who seems to go by the name 'SOS' – will replace the losing team as our national team for the 2008 Olympics!" one of the officials announced.

The fans erupted in cheers, even as some of them began heckling the actual national team. And meanwhile, I just stood there, in stunned silence. I was now a member of an Olympic team, all thanks to Asakura's cheating. Oh, well, as long as Haruhi's happy, I guess.


	3. Preparation

Chapter 3

Preparation

So after the serial killer-turned-soccer star Ryoko Asakura cheated our way into the Olympic Games, here we were, the SOS Brigade and its various friends, getting fitted for soccer uniforms. Surely these Olympic officials must have seen that no one on this team had any talent, save for Miss Asakura, and only on one shot. But then again they saw that the real Olympic team had no talent, or at least it appeared that way thanks to our star cheater.

"Kyon! Kyon!" the ever-babbling Tsuruya called.

"Yes," I muttered.

"Doesn't this uniform look megas good on me?" she asked. "Well, nyoro?"

I seem to remember this conversation somewhere before.

"Well, of course," I replied, hoping to get the green-haired chatterbox away from me.

"I can't wait to play in the Olympics!" she continued, while Haruhi walked over to me.

"Kyon! What number will you be wearing?" she demanded.

"Well, I hadn't decided-"

"Just pick one! It isn't that hard!" she yelled.

"Uh, I'll go with-"

"Oh, just take number 4," she said, then walking away to tell one of the officials my "choice" of number. As she turned away, I saw which number she was wearing – 1, of course.

* * *

I was able to pull Ryoko aside that evening, as I wanted to make one thing clear to her:

"No more cheating."

"We can't win without my help," she replied.

"I know that," I said. "But these are the Olympics, we can't steal a gold medal from people who have worked their entire lives for it."

I carefully watched Miss Asakura's hands, looking to see if she was about to pull a knife on me again, but instead I got this reply:

"That's fine, whatever you want. As long as it makes you happy."

What's this about making me happy? I thought she and Nagato were here just to watch Haruhi. But then again, making me happy would require not stabbing me to death, so I won't argue with her.

* * *

So we spent the next few weeks "practicing" soccer under the direction of our fearless leader and head coach, Haruhi. I use that term very loosely because none of us have any talent, and Haruhi doesn't even know how to run a practice. She of course still demands that I make every save for our team, even though I have never played goaltender in a soccer game in my life besides that last game. At least the rest of the team is equally inexperienced and completely misses the net on nearly all of their kick attempts, allowing me to look at least adequate in Haruhi's eyes.

Of course the fact that we are about to represent the nation of Japan in the Olympics seems not to matter to our crack crew of "athletes." Taniguchi and Kunikida keep on flirting with Asakura and Tsuruya, while that Kimidori girl seems to be lost in space. Then you've got Koizumi and Nagato acting their usual eccentric ways, while my sister is just running around aimlessly. Haruhi wastes her time screaming at Miss Asahina, as if her "coaching" is going to turn Mikuru into a soccer star. And I'm stuck in the middle of all of this. Just another day in the life of the SOS Brigade, I guess.

* * *

The day of the Olympic ceremony finally arrived, and there we all were, marching into the Olympic stadium, a bunch of misfits among the real Olympic athletes. For some bizarre reason Haruhi was chosen to carry the nation's flag and lead all our athletes into the parade of nations. Here it comes, right on cue…

"It's because Miss Suzumiya wished it to happen," Koizumi needlessly told me.

What would I do without Koizumi always telling me these things?

"You and your friends better get ready for some closed space," I muttered back to the esper.

"What are you talking about?" Koizumi asked me.

What am _I_ talking about? For the first time, this question is asked to me. Of course Koizumi has to know exactly what I'm talking about!

"You know, what happens when Haruhi gets upset," I replied.

"Why would she get upset?" Koizumi questioned.

I don't know, maybe because she doesn't like losing, and our team doesn't stand a chance at even scoring a goal?

"I have a feeling we are going to lose," I said, trying to keep a straight face.

"Nonsense," the suddenly-cocky Koizumi replied. "From what Miss Asakura tells me, she has everything figured out."

So she's planning on cheating again, even though I specifically asked her not to.

"This wouldn't involve any sort of, ahem, extra help, would it?" I asked.

"Not at all," Koizumi responded. "Just wait and see, she's got everything under control."

Under control wouldn't happen to mean carrying a sharp knife ready to be used to stab someone, would it?

"Whatever you say," I muttered, completely flustered by the unwavering confidence of Koizumi.

* * *

After the SOS Brigade and its friends marched with real athletes in the Opening Ceremony, we had our final day off before the games were set to begin. Luckily for us, at a dinner that evening, our coach Haruhi gave us a pep talk.

"The SOS Brigade will not lose!" Haruhi announced. "We came here to win the gold medal, and we will be satisfied with nothing less!"

Are you still confident, Koizumi?

"We are going to put that ball in the net many, many times!" Haruhi continued. "Our offense will be unstoppable! And it'll have to be, considering what a poor goaltender we have. Kyon, you better not allow too many goals!"

Don't worry, Haruhi, I plan on allowing only as many shots in as the opponents choose to get on net.

"I understand," I replied.

"This is the SOS Brigade's time to shine!" Haruhi shouted. "We will be Olympic champions! SOS! SOS!"

Everyone else on the team inexplicably joined in chanting, cheering and clapping, and Tsuruya began laughing her head off. I just sat there in a mixture of disbelief and disgust. I only hope the universe as we know it is okay after what's about to happen.


	4. Embarrassment

Chapter 4

Embarrassment

As the SOS Brigade and its friends ran through the entrance tunnel of the Olympic soccer stadium, all I could wonder was whether any of my teammates realized what the Olympic Games were all about. From what I can tell, most of our team thinks this is all fun and games, except for Haruhi, who is deeply focused on winning. At least someone else on the team cares that we are about to represent the nation of Japan, even if it is in the most embarrassing fashion possible.

Before we took the field, I had to make sure Asakura wasn't about to turn this year's Olympic soccer tournament into even more of a farce by cheating our way to victory. Yes, I had already forced her to promise me not to cheat, but after Koizumi told me that she had "everything under control," I had to make sure she hadn't changed her mind.

"It's okay, really, Kyon," she told me. "I won't do anything special."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "If you do, someone will catch on really quick – these are the Olympics, not a scrimmage game."

"Relax, Kyon," she replied. "I want you to be happy. You don't have anything to worry about."

There she goes again, saying something about wanting me to be happy. I thought she and Nagato were around to monitor Haruhi. Then again, nothing makes sense to me anymore, and I can hear Koizumi already: "It's because Haruhi wished it to happen."

So the most untalented team in the history of soccer took the field, somehow expecting to win a game against the United States. Now from what I know, the United States doesn't really care much about soccer, but I'm sure they have at least 11 people who know how to play it. And if that's the case, and those 11 people are the 11 who are on the field against us, then we're in a lot of trouble.

"Kyon! This is it! Don't screw it up!" Haruhi called to me.

Thanks for the advice, Haruhi, but I doubt it will make much of a difference.

And the game got underway, with a few of the American players quickly maneuvering past our clueless players and getting the ball deep into our side of the field. One of them then took a shot on net, and it was picture perfect, sailing over my left shoulder, even as I attempted to make the save. We were only 15 seconds into the game, and already down 1-0.

I saw Haruhi make a face at me after that one, but what could I do? This team has real soccer players on their squad. And these real soccer players took possession of the ball again, stealing it off a stunned Miss Asahina. Within seconds they were cruising back down the field again, and a different player shot it towards the net, scoring. It was 2-0 in only half a minute.

I began to feel almost as helpless as I did before the "Snow White" incident. I had no chance at stopping any of these shots; these guys are professionals we're playing against. Within seconds the U.S. had the ball again, and soon enough they had put another one in the net, making it 3-0.

"Kyon! Get your act together!" Haruhi screamed.

Uh, okay, Haruhi, but considering that I'm getting no defensive help, it's not going to matter how good or bad I am as a goaltender.

All her yelling couldn't do any good, anyway. The United States players scored two more goals in the next minute, making it 5-0. They then poured it on, running the score up to 10-0 in only the first seven minutes of the game, forcing Haruhi's hand.

"That's it! I can't take this anymore!" Haruhi yelled.

Be careful what you wish for, American soccer fans. Your team may be up big, but you may not have a universe left to play in… right?

"I'm taking over in goal!" Haruhi continued.

Okay, not what I expected. Haruhi's anger isn't out of control yet. Either that, or Koizumi is just making up stuff when he figures Haruhi's going to ruin the universe. Speaking of Koizumi…

"This scenario is not what I envisioned," his smooth-yet-aggravating voice told me.

What did you expect, Koizumi, the SOS Brigade to take down a team of professional players at their own game without any sort of cheating?

"Miss Asakura really is following through with her plan," Koizumi continued.

"What plan is that?" I asked Koizumi, unable to hold in my confusion at his reasoning.

"Sorry, I'm sworn to secrecy," he replied.

I looked at Koizumi as if he was some sort of an alien… okay, bad choice of words there. Still, I was exasperated at him by this point. This guy had at least let me know what was going on in the past, now he's just acting like a fool.

Meanwhile, as I wondered what our favorite esper was up to, America had scored two more goals, both of them not even close to our new star goaltender's reach. Haruhi of course blamed Miss Asahina, even though Mikuru was not exactly playing in a defensive position. Come to think of it, though, are any of us playing a position besides Haruhi?

By the time the game reached the twenty-minute mark, it was 17-0. At this point, fans were booing, the Americans were laughing, and the SOS Brigade? We were wandering around on the field, lost in space. None of us knew what to do, we just kept on pretending to be soccer players, although doing a very poor job at it. It was only at the Americans' mercy that we went to the half down 22-0.

"That was an absolutely pathetic performance by all of you!" Haruhi screamed. "Kyon, you got us off to a terrible start allowing in all those goals! Then when I took over, Mikuru let the other team's players run right by her! And Yuki's just been standing still, doing nothing! I will not accept any more pitiful play out of any of you!"

Uh-oh. Sounds like "closed space" time or whatever to me.

"Kyon! Are you listening?" Haruhi yelled at me.

"Yes, Haruhi," I muttered in response.

"We didn't come to the Olympics to lose! We came here to win the gold medal! Isn't that right?" Haruhi ranted.

"Yes," a few players responded.

"Now let's go out there and make a comeback in the second half!" Haruhi commanded.

Somehow I doubt any team in the history of the sport of soccer has come back from down 22 goals to win a game. You'd have to be playing the other football – American football – to have a chance at coming back from down this many points. But at least we're not cheating, even if it means that I'm going to have to hear Koizumi rant about-

"I've got to go," Koizumi told me in a low voice.

"Closed space?" I asked.

"That's right," he replied. "I can't quite say I agree with what Miss Asakura is doing, because she is giving no concern to the growing amount of closed space."

"Well, good luck," I told him, not really caring about what he said about Asakura.

As we took the field for the second half, we were without Koizumi, putting us down to 10 players. Unfortunately that did not allow us to forfeit the game, but instead just play at even more of a disadvantage than we were at already. I figured that the worst that could happen was that Koizumi would do his usual fighting after each of our three losses, then Haruhi would eventually get over losing at the Olympics.

"Are you happy?" Asakura asked me, as the United States rolled down the field to score another goal.

"No, just embarrassed," I replied, not thinking about the consequences of my response.

"What's the matter?" a suddenly concerned Asakura questioned. "What's causing you to be upset?"

I was about to answer that it's not exactly the most fun thing in the world to be part of the worst soccer team in the history of the Olympic Games, but I was interrupted by another Haruhi complaint.

"Kyon! That goal was all your fault!" she screamed. "You could have easily stolen the ball off that player!"

No, I couldn't, Haruhi. The ball never came close to me; the Americans thought it would be easier to pass the ball around Tsuruya and Miss Kimidori, but you chose to blame me instead.

"Oh," Asakura said, surprising me. "I think I understand."

"Yeah," I responded to her, again not thinking about what her reasoning may be. "It's been rough."

"Don't worry," she replied. "I promise you, I'll take care of everything tonight."

Does that mean she's going to cast a spell on the scorekeepers to make them accidentally switch the score in our favor?

"No cheating," I told her.

"You don't have to keep on telling me that," she said with a laugh. "I already promised you I won't."

Then how is she going to "take care of everything"? Maybe she's going to get us disqualified from the Olympics and at least spare us the embarrassment of losing two more games.

"Mikuru! Why didn't you stop him?" I heard Haruhi shouting yet again.

The second half seemed to take a lifetime. The United States players must have been told to show mercy, because once they reached the 30-goal mark, they began just passing the ball back and forth between each other and doing tricks with the ball, not shooting it once. This led to many fans booing for about 30 minutes straight. But because the rest of my teammates had given up, save for Haruhi, I was forced to run around after the ball and at least try to steal the ball off the Americans, so I wouldn't be accused of quitting. Not that it mattered, of course, but it was at least a chance at saving face.

The game finally reached its conclusion, and we shook hands with the American players, as they tried to keep themselves from laughing. We then walked off the field, only to get yelled at by someone new this time: the Japanese Olympic officials.

"That was terrible!" one of them screamed. "You've embarrassed our entire nation!"

"How could you beat our national team, then play like that?" another one shouted. "We now look like fools!"

Actually, you _are_ fools for choosing our team as your Olympic team.

"You'd better turn things around in your next game, or our Olympics will be over!" another official yelled.

The sooner, the better.

So we went back to the Olympic Village that evening, hoping to get some rest. Unfortunately for me, what was about to occur would allow me no rest at all.


	5. The Knife

Chapter 5

The Knife

I was resting in my room, trying to forget about the extremely embarrassing game that had taken place earlier in the game. My sister was watching the television while I lay on my bed.

But that was when I got a strange thought that kept going through my head… _Haruhi wants to see me. Haruhi wants to see me._

I tried to block it out. Why would Haruhi want to see me right now, and even if she did, why should I go to her anyway? But I got the strange feeling that if I failed to go to her, something of "Snow White" proportions. So I got up and left the room, walking down the hall to find Haruhi's room.

When I arrived there, I saw something I never wanted to see. Ryoko Asakura, holding a knife, ready to stab Haruhi.

"Get away from her!" I screamed, rushing to Haruhi's side.

Asakura gave me a confused look. "I don't understand," she said.

"You don't understand what?" I asked angrily.

"I thought this is what you wanted," she replied.

"Absolutely not!" I yelled, with Haruhi giving me a strange look.

"So, you don't want her to die? I'm confused," she said.

"Of course I don't want Haruhi to die!" I shouted. "I would never want that!"

Haruhi smiled. "That's right, Ryoko, Kyon would never betray the leader of the SOS Brigade!" she announced.

Asakura dropped the knife. "If this is what you wish for, then I'll let her go," she said.

I was still quite confused by Asakura's antics, but she walked out of the room before I could say anything.

"Thank you, Kyon," Haruhi told me. "You deserve a promotion in the SOS Brigade for that! How about becoming Chief Protector of the Brigade Leader?"

"Whatever," I replied to Haruhi, who seemed not to be the least bit fazed by her life being threatened. "As long as you're safe… I don't trust Miss Asakura."

* * *

Later that night, I heard knocking on the door of my room. Figuring it was Asakura ready to now stab me, I refused to open it, but my sister ran to it and opened it before I could say anything. At the door stood the nonchalant Yuki Nagato.

"May I come in?" she asked in her usual monotone voice.

"Of course," I replied.

Nagato obviously had something important to tell me, which is the only reason why she would come to see me. We sat down at a table in the room, where she began our conversation.

"The data entity known as Ryoko Asakura has returned to our world," she told me.

"Yes, I seem to have noticed that already," I responded.

"Miss Asakura has been reprogrammed since the last time she was here," Nagato continued. "Before she was trying to get a reaction from Miss Suzumiya. Now she has been programmed to get a reaction from you."

"Me?" I asked, in confusion.

"That is correct," Nagato replied. "Since she was unsuccessful in getting the response out of Miss Suzumiya that she was originally programmed to receive, she was reprogrammed in order to attempt to get an affectionate response from you. I believe in your language the correct terminology would be that she is in love with you."

"But that's crazy," I said. "She tried to stab me before, and now she's trying to kill Haruhi? How could she claim to love me?"

"She misinterpreted your comments as wanting to be rid of Haruhi," Nagato responded. "Because of things that you said, she thought that what you wanted was for Haruhi to be removed from our world."

"Oh," I muttered, still totally confused by what Nagato was telling me. "So Asakura's hoping to get me to show love towards her?"

"That is correct," Nagato answered. "If you do not give her the response she is looking for, there could be a disastrous result for your life."

"I see," I told Nagato. "Thank you for letting me know this."

Nagato then left the room, with my sister wondering what our conversation was all about.

"Kyon, Kyon, what did you talk to Yuki about?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing important," I replied. "Just some sort of strategy."

Of course, this strategy has to do with dealing with Miss Asakura, not winning a soccer match.

* * *

The next day, we were not playing an opponent, so our coach Haruhi led us to the practice field to pretend like we were going to try to win our next game. Before I could even touch a soccer ball, I was interrupted by Koizumi.

"Congratulations," he told me.

"Congratulations for what?" I asked.

"It was you who ended up getting rid of the remaining closed space," he replied. "Now there will be positive results, thanks to your defense of Haruhi."

So he somehow knows about my confrontation with Asakura.

"I couldn't let her kill Haruhi," I told Koizumi.

"Now Haruhi is happier than ever with you," he responded. "Things will go much better now because of this."

I had no clue what Koizumi was talking about. Positive results? Things will go much better now? At least Haruhi wasn't killed.

"Kyon!" Haruhi called. "Get in net! It's time for you to practice making saves!"

So I'm back in goal. Figures that I'll be there to take the remaining blame for my team.

As I walked towards the net, I noticed something strange… everyone seemed to look like competent soccer players. Miss Asahina kicked a perfect shot right into the corner of the net. Asakura, no longer trying to kill anyone, was making brilliant moves, controlling the ball. Tsuruya kicked a beautiful shot that went in the goal, and even my sister shot a great one into the net. I was amazed.

Once I got into net, the rest of the team lined up to try some shots on net. As they kicked the balls towards me, I lunged to stop them. And somehow, I stopped every single one. I felt superhuman, like I suddenly had the skills of a real goaltender.

And that's when I realized: Koizumi was right. Somehow, thanks to Haruhi becoming happy, all of us had turned into good soccer players. We now actually stood a chance at competing in the Olympics.


	6. Superpowers

Chapter 6

Superpowers

The following day, we were at the soccer stadium to take on the powerful Nigeria team, which from what I had heard was supposed to be a gold-medal favorite. But I had a strange feeling about this, as if something was going to go right.

And everything did go right. In the first half of our match against Nigeria, I did not allow a goal, while Miss Asahina and Tsuruya of all people scored goals, giving us a 2-0 lead going into the halftime break. Unfortunately for me, that meant Koizumi had to give me an explanation for our newfound fortunes.

"It's because Miss Suzumiya-"

"-wished it would happen?" I finished the esper's sentence.

"Exactly," Koizumi continued. "Miss Suzumiya was so happy that you rescued her that she wished for our team to become competent soccer players, rather than us trying to become good on our own."

"So, in a way, we're cheating?" I asked.

"Not necessarily," he replied. "After all, you're making all those saves with your own hands. We just now have the talent that we were lacking in the previous game. There are no spells being cast on the ball or anything like that in order to cause us to have an unfair advantage."

Okay, Haruhi, so you've "wished" for us to become great players, and somehow this has something to do with you being happy. Still, I don't know exactly how fair this is…

In the second half, Haruhi scored our third goal on a beautiful bicycle kick. Asakura added another goal on a free kick, and we ended up winning the match 4-0, without a single problem at all. We were congratulated by the Japanese soccer officials, who seemed shocked that we could put up such a great performance after that disaster against the United States.

"You were amazing out there today!" one of them said. "Especially you, Miss Suzumiya!"

"Well, I always knew I had the talent," Haruhi replied, brushing her hand through her hair.

I just shook my head as the officials also congratulated Asakura, Tsuruya and Miss Asahina, who were suddenly soccer stars.

So we headed back to the place where we were staying in the Olympic Village, where we found out that we would need a victory in order to advance to the elimination round of the tournament. Anything else – a loss, a tie – would result in our Olympics being over.

After actually getting some rest in a night with no attempted stabbings from Asakura and no long explanations from Nagato, it was back to the stadium for a match against the Netherlands. It was clear from the very start of the match that we still had our "powers," because my sister somehow scored a goal only a few minutes into the game.

"Kyon! Kyon! I scored a goal!" she screamed to me.

"That's great," I said, trying to hide my disgust with the fact that now my sister would now think she was an Olympic-caliber athlete.

But now it was time for Tsuruya to score her second goal of the tournament, and she was going off the charts in celebration as well.

"I just scored another goal!" she exclaimed. "I'm megas good at soccer, nyoro? We're such a great team, I can't stop laughing! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

In case that wasn't bad enough, Koizumi had to go and score a goal.

"I told you, Kyon, it was because Miss Suzumiya wished it would happen," he said.

Not to be outdone, Haruhi scored a goal, and when we went to the half up 4-0, that was all we heard about.

"I'm the leader of this team, and my performance shows how good I am!" she shouted. "Two goals in the last two games! Only Tsuruya has been that productive for us! I expect everyone to contribute just as much as we are – we can't do all the work for our team! That goes for you too, Kyon!"

I guess making ten saves isn't a big deal when Haruhi scores a goal.

"The SOS Brigade will be playing for the gold medal in no time!" Haruhi continued.

While I started to think about how ridiculous that idea was, we were back on the field for the second half. Not much occurred in the half, as my teammates were so stifling on defense that the Netherlands players could not get the ball even close to making a shot. That meant that we easily held on for a 4-0 win, advancing to the elimination round of the Olympic tournament.

"Congratulations, everyone!" the Japanese soccer officials told us after the game. "You'll be playing against Argentina in the quarterfinal round in two days."

Argentina? If we beat them, someone's going to notice something suspicious. This might be about time for Haruhi to become melancholy again, or at least angry, so that we don't look like superstars against one of the world's soccer superpowers.

But nevertheless, the next day at practice, we were all playing with the skills of pros. I hoped that something would happen in between today and tomorrow, in order to turn our carriage back into a pumpkin.

Again, however, I was wrong. It only took a look at the scoreboard at the end of the first half to tell something strange was going on: 12-0.

That included a hat trick from Haruhi, and I was afraid of being crushed by her ego after she hugged me in celebration after her third goal. Asakura, Tsuruya, Miss Asahina? Two goals each. Even Koizumi, my sister and Nagato of all people added goals. This was starting to get ridiculous.

In the second half, we again went to a lockdown defensive mode, and the Argentina players became increasingly more and more frustrated as they failed to be able to score a goal – or even get a shot on net. It ended up being the biggest blowout in recent Olympic quarterfinal history, a 12-0 drubbing delivered to Argentina by Japan – or, rather, the SOS Brigade.

That night, we returned to the Olympic Village in very high spirits, or at least everyone besides me. We found out that we were going to be playing Brazil – that's right, Brazil! – in the semifinals, and playing against arguably the #1 team in the world would require some real skills, wouldn't it? But we have _fake_ skills, and that's why we're suddenly winning.

However, Haruhi's ego, which was now the size of China, started to become extremely obnoxious.

"Kyon! I scored three goals in that game!" she told me. "How many did you score?"

"None," I replied sheepishly.

"You better pick up your game!" she exclaimed.

"Haruhi, I'm a goalie. Goalies aren't supposed to score goals," I explained.

"The SOS Brigade has no limitations!" Haruhi shouted. "We don't follow the normal restrictions, we aren't held back by preconceived views. You can't let that conception of goalies hold you back from scoring!"

That was it. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Uh, Haruhi, don't you think that we've become a little too good, too fast?" I asked her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

"We got killed in our first game, then suddenly we started playing better. Doesn't that seem a little suspicious to you?" I questioned her.

"Nonsense! We just needed a little practice before we finally showed what we are made of!" she responded.

"I get the feeling that we're, um, sort of, uh, cheating," I said, having a hard time getting the word "cheating" out of my mouth.

That did it with Haruhi. The smile on her face turned to a look of rage.

"You're accusing me of cheating, huh?" she shouted. "Well let me put you straight, Kyon! The SOS Brigade does not cheat! No way, no how! We never will use anything to our advantage that comes to us in an unfair way!"

Somehow I got the feeling that changed everything. Needless to say, I was right.

In our game against Brazil, we were back to being the bumbling non-soccer players that we actually were. I allowed five goals in the first five minutes, as we fell way behind and had no way of coming back. The score was 17-0 at the half, where Koizumi had something to tell me.

"You have changed our scenario to a negative one," he told me.

"At least we're not cheating anymore," I replied.

"You do realize that if this backfires, there may be an incredible amount of closed space that results from this, enough to destroy our universe?" he explained.

"I wasn't thinking it was that serious," I responded.

"I'm not sure even Asakura has something that she could do to help us out of this mess," he continued. "You may have screwed things up big time by angering Miss Suzumiya."

I sighed. It only figured that trying to do something the right way – the moral way – would backfire when it had to do with Haruhi.

"Kyon! You get out of goal! You are terrible!" Haruhi shouted at me. "Yuki's taking over as the new goalie!"

I didn't think that the stationary Nagato would fare much better as a goalie, but I was wrong. She allowed only 13 second-half goals, as our team lost 30-0, without even recording a shot on goal.

"I can't believe we lost!" Haruhi screamed after the game. "Our gold medal dreams are over! We will never go down in history as Olympic champions! And it's all the fault of… you, Kyon! You got us into that big hole by allowing all those goals in the first half. You are to blame for our team's loss!"

I had never seen Haruhi so upset before. I mean, she looked like she was about to cry. I tried to comfort her, but she pushed me away.

"I don't want to be touched by a loser!" she yelled. "You are such a loser, that's all you are! You bring negative results to our team! You've ruined my dreams forever!"

Okay, so this is serious. I sure hope the closed space isn't closing in on me right now.

"Is there anything I can-"

"No! It's too late! Go away!" she screamed.

That night, at the Olympic Village, I felt desperate. I knew we were in some sort of serious danger, but I didn't exactly know what to do about it, so I decided to go talk to Nagato. However, on the way to her room, I was interrupted by someone who I really did not want to see – Miss Asakura.

"What's the matter, Kyon?" she asked me.

"Oh, it's just that I'm really upset about losing," I responded.

"I'm sorry," she replied. "I should have changed the scenario – I just thought you didn't want me to cheat."

"No, you're right," I said. "I didn't want you to cheat. But now, this loss is just crushing."

"Is there any way I can help you feel better?" she asked.

I thought about it for a moment. Maybe there was.

"Well, actually it's not just me who's upset. It's Haruhi too," I explained.

"Miss Suzumiya?" she questioned.

"That's right," I continued. "You need to somehow convince her that a bronze medal is a worthy achievement. Then, we somehow have to win it."

Asakura's eyes lit up. "No problem," she said. "I've got everything under control. I'll work it all out for you, Kyon."

She then kissed me on the cheek, before walking the other way down the hall. And all I could think was, _I've been kissed by an alien._


	7. Bronze Age

Chapter 7

Bronze Age

I was awakened the next morning by a most frightening sight. Okay, so maybe not a _most_ frightening sight, which would involve either Asakura or Koizumi, but it was scary enough, as Haruhi pulled me out of bed.

"Come on, Kyon! Wake up!" she exclaimed. "We've got a bronze medal to win!"

I have two questions, but I think only one is safe to ask at this point.

"How did you get in here?" I questioned her.

"Why, your little sister let me in!" she replied. "Now let's get going!"

Fortunately Haruhi allowed me enough time to put on my uniform before dragging me out of the Olympic Village, while I wondered about my other question: How did Asakura somehow manage to convince Haruhi that bronze was satisfactory?

She pushed me on to the bus that was to take us to the stadium for our bronze-medal match. I waved sheepishly to the rest of my teammates, who apparently were all waiting for me on the bus. Somehow I slept in, I guess, but that doesn't make sense… wasn't the game scheduled for the afternoon?

"Well, come on, bus driver! Let's go!" Haruhi shouted.

And with that, we were off to the stadium, whether it was time for the game or not.

Along the way, there was enough time for Koizumi to bug me. I wondered what "catch phrase" the guy was going to use this time. Let's see… "Haruhi wished it to happen?" Good possibility. But I get the feeling that this time he's going to talk about-

"The closed space is gone."

Closed space. Yes, he's so predictable.

"Was it difficult to, um, get rid of?" I asked.

"I couldn't do anything about it," he replied. "There was such a large area of closed space, I thought that you had screwed things up too badly."

Ooh… a bit of a shot from Koizumi. Bring it on, buddy!

"But then I see that Miss Asakura was able to fix things for us anyway," he continued.

On cue, Asakura turned around and waved at me from her seat. I gave a sheepish wave back.

"So you should just be thankful that Asakura's around, or else we'd all be in trouble," Koizumi told me.

"Oh, believe me, I'm thankful," I responded.

Thankful that she hasn't killed me yet, and thankful that she hasn't killed Haruhi either.

Getting off the bus wasn't much more fun, because I had Taniguchi and Kunikida talking about… Asakura?

"Hey, the big rumor is that you and that hot girl are now an item," Taniguchi told me.

"What?" I asked.

"Yuki told us that she has seen you and Ryoko together on several occasions, and you look _pretty_ close," Kunikida added.

Nagato is a gossip! What is this world coming to when data integration entities are being used to spread rumors?

"Well, actually she didn't say that exactly, but that's what we took from what she mentioned," Taniguchi explained.

"Oh, I see," I replied. "Well, let me be the first to tell you that those rumors are completely false."

On cue, again, Asakura walked past me.

"Hey, Kyon!" she said. "I'm going to make everything go just the way you want it to, don't you worry!"

As she walked away, I stood there with a completely stunned look on my face, and Taniguchi and Kunikida just laughing at me.

"That confirms it," Kunikida remarked.

I simply sighed. This, like pretty much most of what's happened in the last few weeks, is out of my control.

* * *

When we got into the stadium, we found out that for whatever reason, the bronze-medal matchup had been moved to an earlier time slot in the day, because we were playing against the United States again. It turned out that the American television network broadcasting the Olympics, NBC or something like that, had requested this game to have its time moved for better viewing hours in the U.S. Of course, they got their way, so here we were, playing a game in the morning.

I wasn't too thrilled about facing the same team that had walloped us by 30 goals. Was it really 30? Yes, it was. Wow, we did get embarrassed. Not even our recent cheating got us to 30 goals against an opponent. I'm sure they're ready to put up another 30 on us today.

"Kyon! You're no longer in goal!" Haruhi screamed at me.

Well, at least I won't be taking the blame for today's loss.

"I'm putting Ryoko in as goalie!" Haruhi continued.

Oh, boy. For some reason I know what Asakura is cooking…

"I'll take care of everything," Asakura said.

Yeah, you will, by cheating! Are we going to really rip the bronze medals off the Americans' necks by having a cheating alien in our goal?

"Yes! That's what I want to hear!" Haruhi replied to Asakura.

Maybe I should let Asakura know that cheating to win a medal is still just as wrong now as it was earlier in the tournament. But before I could, the game got underway, and Haruhi had me playing in the offensive zone, too far away from Asakura to tell her anything.

The half continued on, and I began to daydream, since I obviously wasn't helping the team in any way on the field. Was this really all just a dream, perhaps? The idea that some mysterious girl's moods would control whether the universe would be destroyed or not? The fact that some really pretty girl with a great personality was always ever so close to stabbing one of us SOS Brigade members? The fact that an ever-smiling fool best known for long-winded speeches with little substance was always there, even to complete my sentences? The fact that-

BOOM!

I never saw it coming. A soccer ball, right to my face. And with that, I was unconscious.

* * *

When I woke up, I was in a hospital bed, where I was informed that the game was immediately stopped after my injury, and that I was taken here. This didn't matter much to me, however.

"Turn on the TV," I told one of the nurses.

They turned it on to the broadcast of the soccer match, where I was only moderately shocked to see the game still tied at 0-0, in the second period of extra time. I knew we didn't have the ability to win the game, but I wasn't sure whether or not Asakura would keep on cheating for us to win. That was when television might have saved the universe, if Koizumi is to be believed with all his crazy theories about Haruhi.

The cameras focused in on Haruhi, who looked furious.

"The coach and star player of the Japanese team, Haruhi Suzumiya, looks really angry right now with her team," an announcer said.

"She looks like she's about to explode, even though her team's still in this game," the other announcer added.

"And look at their goaltender, Ryoko Asakura!" the first announcer chimed in. "She looks distraught! She hasn't been the same ever since the injury to the team's forward earlier in the game."

"That's right," the second announcer remarked. "It's as if any minute now, she's just going to lose interest, and the U.S. will finally get one past her."

"And Suzumiya will be furious if that happens, I can tell you that!" the first announcer commented.

Okay, who do they have broadcasting this game? Koizumi and Nagato? Because it's almost as if they wanted me to hear what they had to say… or, as Koizumi would say… all together now… "It's because Miss Suzumiya wished it would happen."

"I've got to get back to that game," I told a nurse.

"We're sorry, but you have a concussion," she replied. "Besides, you're in no condition to play right now."

"You don't understand," I said. "If I am just there, I can help our team win."

"I'm sure there are a lot of other fans there cheering for your team," she responded.

"They would be inspired by my return," I remarked, with a bit of annoyance in my voice.

"No inspiration is worth risking your health," she answered.

"But it's a bronze medal," I continued arguing, getting more and more annoyed.

"It's only a bronze," she replied.

"Get me to that stadium now!" I shouted.

* * *

Finally, they listened to me, and I was taken back to the stadium. After some security guards led me to the field, I was warmly greeted by a couple of members of my team.

"Kyon! You're back!" Asakura shouted, glomping me.

"Kyon! Nice of you to get hurt and cost us any chance of winning the game!" Haruhi yelled.

Okay, so I wouldn't say "warmly" greeted, but at least greeted.

"Now I've got to put together a shootout lineup without one of my best shooters!" she continued.

Best shooters? Hold on, Haruhi, I've been in goal all this time… oh, right, the SOS Brigade has no limitations.

"Let's see, I'll put myself first," Haruhi commented.

If I know Haruhi well, she'll put together the same lineup as last time, save for Asakura.

"Itsuki, you go second," she added. "Then Yuki, then Mikuru…"

Yes, I'm right so far… and now here comes Tsuruya to fill out our lineup.

"Emiri, you'll be our final shooter!" Haruhi announced.

Emiri? As in Emiri Kimidori? She's been so silent, I haven't even realized she was here. Are you sure that was the right choice, Haruhi?

"Now let's win this shootout!" Haruhi shouted.

At least it won't be my fault when we lose… if we have any chance of losing, with Asakura's cheating, that is.

The first U.S. player took his shot on goal, but Asakura stopped it. That led to Haruhi getting her shot on net… and she scored! Unbelievable, one of our players scored without cheating! Unless she is cheating… and she doesn't know it.

"We're going to win, Kyon, I just know it!" Haruhi told me as she ran back over to the sideline.

Yeah, I think I know it too, even if it is in an unfair way.

The next few U.S. shooters all failed to score on Asakura, while Koizumi, Nagato and Miss Asahina all missed as well. That set up a final United States player with a chance at tying the shootout; if he failed to score, the SOS Brigade would win bronze medals for Japan.

The player kicked the ball towards Asakura. She dived to stop it… and missed! The crowd erupted. I stood there in a state of shock. Had Asakura's cheating power worn off? What just happened? Is my concussion affecting me too much?

"It doesn't matter!" Haruhi remarked. "Go win it, Emiri!"

So the enigma Emiri Kimidori ran out on the field with an attempt to win the bronze medal for Japan. By the very way she ran I had a hard time believing she had ever played any sport before this adventure. Needless to say, she missed.

"Oh, I can't believe it!" Haruhi whined. "We tied!"

Actually, a bronze-medal match doesn't end in a tie after five shooters in a shootout, it keeps on going. You'd expect most professional sports players to know the rules of the game and when ties occur or not, but then again, Haruhi isn't a pro by any means.

"We get another chance," I explained to her. "You just have to send out a different shooter."

"I knew that!" Haruhi snapped at me. "I just wanted to win it already, that's all!"

Oh, so she did know. Thanks for making me look like a fool, Haruhi.

While Haruhi thought about who she wanted to shoot next, the United States team sent out their next shooter. He shot one perfectly over Asakura's left shoulder, and the U.S. took a 2-1 lead.

"Tsuruya! Go tie it for us!" Haruhi commanded.

"Don't worry, I'm megas good at shooting!" Tsuruya responded.

The only thing you're megas good at is laughing, Tsuruya… we're doomed.

But then, I saw the most unbelievable sight – Tsuruya shot the ball towards the left side of the net, and it sailed past the goaltender! The shootout was tied again, at 2 goals a piece!

"I always make it, nyoro?" Tsuruya said, then began to laugh hysterically.

It was time for Haruhi to find us a new shooter, although I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to decide at this point. Meanwhile, the next U.S. player took his shot… and Asakura dived to stop it, giving us a chance to win!

"Okay, little sister, it's your turn to shoot!" Haruhi announced.

Wait a minute… my little sister? With a bronze medal on the line?

"Uh, I'm not so sure you want to-" I started to say.

"Your sister will make it for sure!" Haruhi cut me off.

"I'll try my best!" my sister exclaimed, running out on the field.

I can't imagine what the television announcers were saying at this point. You have a girl who's not even 10 years old shooting a medal-clinching penalty kick for the entire nation of Japan… what is wrong with this picture?

My sister lined up to take her shot, then kicked the ball as hard as she possibly could…

…and it ended up right in the lap of the United States goaltender. The score remained tied at 2.

"Arrrgh! How could she miss?" Haruhi complained. "Well, I guess that means you're going to have to shoot."

She pointed at Kunikida, who looked shocked, though I can't imagine why. It was you or Taniguchi, who else was going to shoot?

"Okay," he responded, then looked over to see Asakura's attempt at a save on the next U.S. shooter. Amazingly enough, she dived to make the save and keep the game tied. Actually, I don't know if it's amazing if she makes the save or doesn't make it at this point; is she turning her "cheating mode" on and off?

Kunikida then walked on to the field, looking like a deer in the headlights. He was scared to death of being on such a big stage, and it showed when his kick sailed far off to the right of the net. At least I know that our shooters aren't cheating.

At this point, the scenario was very clear: Taniguchi, he of the shortest-ever date with Haruhi, was set to shoot our next penalty kick. But before he could, Asakura attempted another save, and she stopped this latest shot, keeping this one at 2-2.

"Go win it, Taniguchi!" Haruhi shouted.

Taniguchi ran out on to the field, perhaps hoping to make up to Haruhi after not lasting very long with her. He kicked the ball… and it landed well to the left of the net. I guess maybe he wasn't trying to make up with her after all.

"Well, Kyon, that means you're up next!" Haruhi said.

"Uh, Haruhi, don't you remember that I got hurt?" I asked her.

"So what?" she replied. "You can still kick a soccer ball! It doesn't change my mind one way or another whether you were hurt earlier!"

So does that mean Haruhi had so little faith in me that she waited until _now_ to send me out to try a penalty kick? Okay, I'm not good at soccer, but did she really think I was worse than Taniguchi? Or Kunikida? Or Miss Kimidori? Or _my little sister_, for that matter?

"I see why you were selected at this point," a voice whispered to me, a voice I hated.

"Why would you say that?" I replied to Koizumi. "Oh, wait, I know. Don't tell me-"

"It's because Miss Suzumiya wished for you to shoot the game-winning penalty kick," he said. "You're going to win the bronze medal for us."

Well, not if Asakura lets this next one in… but she stopped it with her fingertips, allowing me the opportunity to win the bronze medal for Japan.

I can't quite say I was nervous trotting out there to take my penalty kick. If anything, I felt overconfident, that for sure my shot would magically curve over the goaltender's reach and enter the net for victory. So I really did not put too much thought into how I was going to kick the ball. But just before I had the opportunity to kick, I heard a voice call out…

"Good luck, Kyon."

It was Miss Asakura's voice. With that, I tensed up, and I couldn't figure out why. I had such a hard time putting any sort of power into my kick, and I ended up shooting it poorly, right into the outstretched arms of the American goaltender. That left the shootout tied at 2-2.

"That figures! Kyon, you're terrible at soccer!" Haruhi yelled at me as I walked over to the sideline.

Well, at least I can say this… Koizumi, you were wrong!

The referee walked over to Haruhi to tell her that she was now allowed to have players shoot for a second time. Haruhi wasted no time in choosing herself for the team's next penalty kick.

"We're only still playing because Kyon screwed everything up," she added to the referee.

While I bristled at her remark, I watched the next United States shooter miss the net completely on his attempt, allowing Haruhi to become yet another player on our squad with a chance at winning the bronze medal. She ran out onto the field, confident as ever. I had a bad feeling about this.

She kicked the ball with all her might, and it sailed towards the right side of the net. The American goalkeeper dived towards her shot, reaching his arms out to stop it. But somehow, someway, the ball went right between his arms, and Haruhi had scored the game-winning goal for our team.

"We win! We win!" Haruhi screamed, rushing over to me and embracing me. The only problem for her: Asakura had also ran right to me, and was attempting to hug me as well. Fortunately, at least for the moment, neither of them seemed to care, as the entire team celebrated the victory.

"You shouldn't have cheated," I mumbled to Asakura in the celebrating pile of people.

"I didn't," she replied. "That was all personal skill, from every one of us."

I looked confused, then she just winked at me.

"You can feel good about this one," she added.

* * *

That night, we were back on the field, this time to receive our bronze medals. We all lined up behind our part of the podium, looking over to see the gold-medalist Brazilian team and silver-medalist Belgium.

"This is megas awesome, nyoro?" Tsuruya said to me, then going into one of her megas-laughs.

I just smiled at her, while being flanked by Asakura and Haruhi, each of which wanted to be closer to me than the other. I feared for a possible negative consequence of the two fighting for me, but I decided to ignore it for the moment, because we were about to receive our bronze medals.

"Bronze medalists… Japan!" the public address announcer said.

We all stepped up to the podium in unison, cheering as we did. Each of us was then awarded a bronze medal, as the most unlikely Olympic medalists in the history of the world. Third place isn't bad, especially when it's the SOS Brigade managing to finish third in the world at _soccer_.

Unfortunately, the celebration ended there, because I had inadvertently created a love triangle.


	8. Hare Hare Yukai Epilogue

Chapter 8

Hare Hare Yukai (Epilogue)

The following day, we prepared to head back home to Japan. The Japanese soccer officials were apparently in a hurry to get us out of China before someone realized that this band of misfits had no realistic way of winning a bronze medal, and took it away from us. So we set out to packing our bags, but before I could even start, I was interrupted by Asakura.

"Hi, Kyon," she said in such a sweet way.

"Uh, yeah, hi, Asakura, I'm sort of busy right now," I told her.

"Oh, come on, you always have time for me, don't you?" she asked me.

What is this girl talking about? Does she think I've really got a crush on her?

"Well, of course," I replied, not thinking about my words.

"Then come spend some time with me," she told me. "Your sister can pack your stuff for you."

I'm not too old to put responsibilities on others, so I kindly allowed my sister to do my work for me as I headed off with Asakura, just hoping that I could get her off my case.

She brought me to Haruhi's room, of all places, where Haruhi was sitting on her bed, then closed the door behind me. Then I heard a click – the sound of the door locking.

"What's the idea of locking the door?" I asked Asakura.

"You'll see," she responded.

Then, predictably, she pulled out her favorite item – the knife.

"One of you has to die in order for the scenario to be complete," she announced. "Kyon, it's your choice."

"Kyon!" Haruhi yelled at me. "Do you really want to kill me?"

"No! Absolutely not!" I responded. "Come on, Asakura, what's the idea of threatening our lives like this?"

"Kyon, I really like you," Asakura told me. "And we can't have a relationship if _she's_ in the way."

So Asakura's jealous of Haruhi, and I'm sure Haruhi feels the same way about Asakura.

"I'm sorry," I told Asakura. "But I can't allow you to kill Haruhi."

"In that case, you have to die," Asakura responded. "It's the only other possible option."

Where's Nagato when you need her?

"Look, Asakura, there are other options," I replied. "Like allowing us both to live."

"Do you love me or her?" Asakura questioned.

I looked over at an annoyed-looking Haruhi, then back at the angry Asakura.

"Uh, I…" I began to say.

"Give me an answer!" Asakura shouted.

"I 'heart' Haruhi," I replied, sitting next to Haruhi.

"So, you're choosing Haruhi over me?" she asked.

What does it look like, Asakura?

"Yes, I am," I muttered. "For better or for worse."

Haruhi smiled, but unfortunately, so did Asakura – in a particularly evil way.

"Okay, but that means… you must die," she remarked.

She approached me with the knife, ready to stab me. I tried to escape her, but I felt helpless – somehow she had made it so that I could not move.

"This is your last chance," she told me. "I'll gladly allow you to survive, if you just choose for Haruhi to die instead of yourself."

I sat there, motionless, for what seemed like days, even though it was only a few seconds. My entire time with Haruhi flashed before my eyes. All the times she had screamed at me, done something annoying, treated one of us Brigade members badly. Never again would I have to take her orders.

But then there was the other side… whether I liked it or not, Haruhi really meant something to me. I don't know what it was, but we had a special bond together. I didn't want to call it love, but these words flashed through my mind: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

"You may not kill Haruhi," I told Asakura sternly.

"I'm sorry," Asakura replied, then reached out and thrust the knife into my stomach.

* * *

But nothing happened. The knife merely disappeared, and Asakura's face lit up with a smile.

"You passed the test," she told me.

"Test?" I asked.

"I was sent back here for the purpose of testing the strength of yourrelationship with Miss Suzumiya," she explained. "You passed the test!"

I looked over at a smiling Haruhi.

"So, this means you love me?" she asked.

"I wouldn't call it that!" I replied.

Haruhi put her arm around my neck, then told me something very romantic.

"Carry my bags to the bus! We've got to get to the airport! Come on, Kyon, let's go!"

She pulled down her eyelid and stuck out her tongue at me. And that's when I knew. She may be the Brigade leader. She may be hot-tempered. She may be a bronze medalist. But she's worth more than gold to me… could I say that she's my Haruhi?

"Get going, Kyon! Time's wasting!"

Maybe, someday.


End file.
